OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

out of these 2 poems, Sorry the First one is a really long

Mermaid Song

she cries into the night

a mournful hollow melody

filling the air with echoes

of a once joyful heart

she sings an unknown language

as she combs her hair of grass

tears fall from her eyes in salt drops

mingling with the ocean's churning froth

once she was a young beauty

graced with life and laughter

now she can only sing a siren song

a sad tune, destined to lure unwary sailors

to their doom, as they drown in her careless smile

her heart was broken

in a selfish gesture

by a lover, so untrue

now her unmerciful soul

will lead no-one home

her death in life so real

she lives not, yet she breathes

called to the sea, to drown her tears

she marks not each day, tho each passes so quickly

she sought the peace of the waves

now it's hers

tho not in death

but life again, sheathed in a scaly skin

no respite for travel weary sailor

can be found upon her shores

for she has no heart left

death inside her, reigns strong and free

she slips among the waves and sea creatures

in silent recognition

tho none speak of her

to speak her name would be death

she acknowledges no creature in her sadness

only the sea weary sailors

lulling them to their eternal sleep

as they drown in her melodic voice

each rise of the sun

day so new, she stares into the blue horizon

as she sits upon weathered stone

amidst the crashing waves and sandy beach

screaming gulls fly overhead

as undrying tears fall into a river of grief

flowing so fast and free

to spread into the sea

in a song of mournful sorrow she waits for the someone

the one she has seen in her dreams

the one who will show her true love again

and free her from this life of death

A Kingdom

Destined for a Fall

There were people long ago

Who had great riches, wealth untold,

They built a city with a wall,

A kingdom they thought would never fall.

How they labored unceasingly

To lay up treasure increasingly,

They gave no thought to what lay beyond,

That their kingdom would someday be gone.

But one by one the stones came down;

The city was leveled to the ground,

No more fortune to be found,

No one left to wear a crown.

The mighty kingdom fell at last閳?

Its beauty's gone; its pleasure's past,

All was lost they sought to gain,

Their lives were wasted; their labor vain.

You can build a kingdom with a mighty wall,

But if greed overwhelms lifes true cause,

Then like the kingdom long ago, it is destined for a fall,

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

Hey Lily, nice poems. I prefered the "mermaid song". The second one has more cliches and is not specific enough. In general, you write well, but seem to be young. In youth, its great to flex your creative writing muscles. Keep writing. But I'd give two suggestions to improve the power of your writing:

1) Write about your real emotions from life experience. Although its imaginative to write about mermaids, its always more effective and substantial to write about what you have experienced. Main thing is not to be afraid of sad emotions. Through sadness comes wisdom, but only if you are not afraid. Write about what is inside of you. I noticed that you recently discovered you were of Cherokee descent. That's something to write about! Maybe you already have, but if not, why not try getting deep into that emotion and see what comes out? I'd love to read a poem about how you discovered a part of your ancestry.

2) Read a lot of good literature. See how the old masters did it. I would avoid bestsellers at all costs. Go for the writers who stood the test of time. I mean choose Ernest Hemingway over Stephen King anyday!

Main weakness I noticed in your poetry is that has too many cliches and lacks symbolic cohesion. This means your thoughts are trapped by words and expressions that you have heard in your daily life. For example, "destined to fall" is a dead metaphor. Its an expression that has been overused and now lacks power to move the reader's emotions. Another example is "what lay beyond". I have heard this hundreds of times. Words are not just words for a creative writer: a writer has to use words that penetrate reality and express a unique vision. If words are the writer's only tools, then she has to use the exact ones. Don't use other people's words.

I say all this not to criticize, but to offer advice. I have been writing since I was 17 and have been published many times. The older I got, and the less fearful of my own emotions, the better my writing got. Plus of course the reading helped. I am not sure how old you are. But as I said, you write well and have fire in your mind. Keep it burning! I wouldn't bother writing if I didn't think you had potential. If you didn't go to college, take english literature courses. There, you will read the world's best writers. It will help you a lot!

Great writers I recommend. Not all of these are novelists, some are psychologists, philosophers, native wise men. Check them out!

Ernest Hemingway, Thomson Highway, Black Elk, Joseph Campbell, Margaret Laurence, W.B Yeats, D.H. Lawrence, C.G. Jung, Jiddhu Krishnamurti.

Good luck. And keep in touch if you want. I'd be happy to read any other stuff you have.

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

Poetry belongs one level down.

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

i like the second poem

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

They are both great poems but I prefer the first one as it sounds romantic. The word siren does not sound quite right try:- to silence, her silent or silent maybe that would intrigue more.

Good luck

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

Choose the Kingdom...you might lose the house and end up in a divorce,but sailors spread V.D.,...........

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

The second poem.

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

**** off,no one gives a ***** about your poems

OK WHICH ONE SHOULd i CHOOSE?

You will get the responses you are looking for in the POETRY section.

good luck